[Subtitles by danielsangeo]
WHY DOES THIS HAVE TO BE REAL?!
I said I wanted FIVE MINUTES
without being shot,
but I wasn't thinking so literally!
Beep beep! Okay, break's over!
Your performance review
says you're still not dead,
so time to get shot again!
Gotta get those metrics up!
I don't want to get shot!
That's what this is really about! Every
dispute is about shooting me or not!
Well, not the aliens. They're more
nuanced because they want to eat me,
but, y'know. Fuck aliens.
I mean, is the chopper
going to run out of fuel?
[Hunter-Chopper firing]
[mechanical whirring]
Yeah, that's smart. What
don't I make more noise?
Go get me! I'm in there! Get me!
This isn't going to work...
But all I have to look forward to
is troops storming the place also.
Life's full of blessings like that!
They should put me on a calendar...
And there he is! Okay...!
[Hunter-chopper charging]
He's spinning up!
[Hunter-Chopper firing]
DIVE! DIVE!
YEAH! PUT MY PHOTO ON
A MOTIVATIONAL CALENDAR
THAT SAYS YOUR LIFE COULD BE WORSE!
[Hunter-Chopper firing]
BLAAA-AAA-AAAAH!
BUT YOU WIN AT GOD DOMINOES!
SO IS THIS WHAT'S HAPPENING?!
IS REALITY FALLING APART AGAIN?!
I FORGOT ME BEING ALIVE IS ENDING THE WORLD!
AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M
GOING TO *KEEP* FORGETTING!
YEAH! I WAS DESTINED TO DIE A
LONG TIME AGO, BUT I DIDN'T!
SO NOW THE WORLD'S FALLING APART!
THAT SMOKESTACK WENT! NEXT A RIFT
IN THE EARTH IS GOING TO OPEN UP!
AND I'M NOT GOING TO STOP, EITHER!
I'M TAKING ALL OF YOU WITH ME!
IT'S GOING TO GET ALL
LANGOLIERS UP IN THIS BITCH!
[Hunter-chopper alarm]
HOLY FUCK!
HE SHOT THE CHOPPER! THAT'S AWESOME!
Yeah! You'd better kill me!
You'd better fucking kill me!
If you don't, your whole
world's going to collapse!
Sucks to be you
and everything you care about!
But seriously, stop shooting me. I hate you.
I might hate everyone--I don't know.
Ohhhhhhh, this is not what I want to see.
Okay, I think I bought a little bit of time.
I'm really sure they weren't
expecting me to still be alive now.
I mean, was that tower on purpose?
Did he actually NOT see me?
No. No, that's not how my life works.
He left because they're
calling in a missile strike.
Well, that's a highway up there.
God, would it be too much to hope to go
up there and hitchhike my way out of here?
Yeah, this is just the work of some crazy
homeless person with access to a junkyard.
It's probably a trap for catching cats.
Actually, for all I know,
this is the rebel base.
Yeah, let's get out of here and
NOT follow the river for once.
Hey, there's nothing up here.
This looks like a hideout for
the Lost Boys from Peter Pan.
I'm pretty sure that
won't keep out the cops!
I can't even get to the
road. I'm wasting time here.
I don't know where I need to go,
but so far the only correct
answer has been NOT wherever I am.
I don't think this is the
base. There would be bodies.
Even if they took them in for interrogation,
they'd kill at least one for kicks.
They've gotta get SOMETHING for the
trouble of coming all the way out here.
Y'know, this is pretty mucky.
I think it's times like these that
call for a little help from my friends.
Yeah, why don't you talk to them,
buddy? I can't reason with them.
Some people just don't let you
down, y'know? Time to move!
It's always time to move, lately.
It might be a problem when I sleep.
Oh, we're going to make this work.
Eh, it's just as well I'm not on foot.
I'm not sure anybody would
pick me up as a hitchhiker;
I'm dripping wet,
have cuts all over my face,
I might still be bleeding, I don't know.
REBEL 1: You're Freeman, aren't you?
REBEL 2: I wouldn't believe it if
I couldn't see it with my own eyes!
REBEL 2: Doctor Gordon Freeman himself!
Yeah, no time for love, gotta go!
What is this, the Panama Canal?!
REBEL 1: ...before the Combine picks us
up. We're just getting ready to pull out.
Good! You can be my escort!
REBEL 2: We'd better hurry. We've got to
tear down this camp and get out of here.
WUAH!
VORTIGAUNT: Greetings to the Freeman.
REBEL 2: Come on in. I'll show
you what you're up against.
Oh, I guess he's your slave, but
you're letting him hold a gun!
I'm sure it's not loaded but
that's WAY too much, guys!
Well, looks like we found our mole!
Hey, do you think there's any
chance we can stuff him in my suit,
then send him out on the
boat? It would be win-win.
What can I say? It's my physics background.
We're always looking to balance equations.
REBEL 2: Here, take a look at this.
REBEL 2: This here's the
dam. It's just up ahead.
REBEL 2: Eli's hideout is here...
What?
REBEL 2: ...a stone's throw from the apron
REBEL 2: and nestled in the old hydro plant.
REBEL 2: But getting there,
REBEL 2 with that Hunter-Chopper
on your ass, next to impossible.
YEAH, TELL ME SOMETHING I DON'T KNOW!
THIS HAS BEEN THE
WORST EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE!
REBEL 2: Good news is, the vortigaunt's
working his magic on your airboat...
REBEL 2: ...so you'll have a little
more firepower going forward.
You're touching my boat?!
REBEL 2: I think he's just finishing up now.
There's a REASON I've stayed alive so long!
IT'S BECAUSE I CAN SMELL PEOPLE
WHO ARE GOING TO GET ME KILLED!
Damn, this veers to left now.
I'm afraid to touch the gun; he
might have rigged it to blow.
[Hunter-chopper charging]
What?
[Hunter-Chopper firing]
AAAH! AHH!
[Hunter-Chopper firing]
USE THE GUN!
[Hunter-Chopper firing]
NO!
NO! THE GUN STOPPED! IS IT OVERHEATING?!
I HAVE TO HELP BOTH OF US!
Well the alien put a tracker on me for sure.
The chopper wasn't watching the exit.
He flew down low and opened
fire on me into the tunnel
before I could even see him!
[alarm]
Oh boy! Okay! Who did that?
I'm not paid by commission.
If this is a no-show, I'll leave.
My services are in high demand elsewhere.
This is a pretty crappy trap, actually.
Wait a minute. Whose side am I on?
Oh, now I get it! Now I get it!
You were going to box me
in, pummel me with rockets,
but then you realized you
couldn't see over the gate.
Will this damn gun ever
STOP OVERHEATING?! BLAH!
I'M NOT PAYING YOUR STUPID
TOLL! SEND ME A TICKET!
OH WAIT! I DON'T HAVE A LICENSE PLATE!
Yeah, let me through! I've got E-ZPass!
Wow, this is almost relaxing.
Only five or six bullets
instead of a thousand.
That chopper was a real source of stress.
It's just a toxic relationship.
But yeah, there's a tracker on me somewhere.
They tipped their hand in that tunnel.
But y'know what?
I shouldn't assume too much.
It might not be in the gun.
It's a nice evening and you're doing this?!
WHY CAN'T YOU BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
THAT WOULD'VE BEEN THE PERFECT
SPOT TO SHOOT FIREWORKS!
I HATE GETTING SHOT AT FROM
ABOVE WITH AUTOMATIC WEAPONS!
CAN'T YOU SEE I'M VULNERABLE?!
Wish I knew how much ammo was
in this gun. I forgot to ask.
Eh, it doesn't matter. They
would've lied to me anyway.
They would--Oh shit! That's
him! That's the spook!
[machinegun fire]
He's right there! I saw him!
God... I don't believe it.
No, I DO believe it. I just--
He could've watched from
a window if he didn't.
Hot damn, this is demoralizing!
And he just happens to show up
with the helicopter's not around!
But seriously. The tracker
could've been on me the whole time,
and they only gave it away back there.
It could be on the boat,
my suit, my clothes...
Yeah, things didn't get really
bad until I left the lab.
I mean, they got bad at that
commune, but that was a raid.
That felt more like wrong place, wrong time.
More barrels. We're back to
Donkey Kong, huh, guys? Works for me.
[machinegun fire]
Oh no! Stop!
WHO KNEW DRIVING A BOAT
ON LAND WAS A BAD IDEA?!
WILL YOU GET OFF MY BACK?!
I'D LIKE TO SEE *YOU* DRIVE THIS THING!
NOW GO SHOOT EACH OTHER IN THE CROSSFIRE!
YOUR FRIEND IN THE VEHICLE DID!
In fact, now I'm doubting that--
--that those mortars were on purpose.
The mortars stopped
once they hit that tower.
Gonna have some bruises...
Yeah, now I'm thinking them blowing up
their own buildings wasn't part of the plan.
It could be that someone is in even
WORSE trouble than me right now.
That sounds impossible
but I haven't been caught.
Actually, no! I'm pretty sure
these guys aren't here to CATCH me.
Or rather, they're here to catch--
Shit, don't stop... Go go go go go go!
HEY GUYS! I THINK YOU NEED MORE ROCKETS!
NOBODY'S GOING TO TAKE YOU
SERIOUSLY WITH THIS FEW!
Yeah, they're taking the dynamite
fishing approach to catching me!
That probably is how they fish.
Their brains probably don't even make
a distinction between me and a fish.
I bet an MRI scan would
show no difference at all.
OH! I BUSTED YOUR ENGINE!
I appreciate how you guys
aren't leading your shots!
You probably thought I
hadn't noticed, but I have!
Have you thought about what
I said about more rockets?!
YEAH, THAT'S AN ILLEGAL PARKING, FOR SURE!
I'M WITH YOU ON THAT ONE!
OKAY! TIME FOR ANOTHER LAP!
I hope you guys have been
clocking me because I haven't.
Chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga--
Yeah, this is harder than NASCAR
because I also have to turn right
when I try to kill other drivers.
Time for champagne and to
gun down any survivors!
I'd like to thank my gun,
and I would thank the
people who gave it to me,
but they got me into
this mess to begin with,
and those two things really
don't cancel each other out.
I may have to eventually go back
and kill them. I don't know yet.
I guess the universe isn't
collapsing on itself.
I'm not sure if I'm disappointed or not...